HungryForLife

See it. Be it. Live it.

For most of this year I have struggled with emotional eating, over eating, and craving comfort foods. In the beginning of my weight releasing journey I was focused on getting done with burning fat but I learned that it was a process and there was no way to do it but go through. The same with all life lessons from having a baby to losing a loved one. I had to wrap my head around the idea that once I released the excess pounds that maintaining my weight might be a challenge but I didn’t imagine it would be more challenging than my original journey. Oh my—it is. And I realize I have not listened to my wise self and I have gained rather than maintained.

At 140 lbs. I heard, you’re too thin from a few people—I hadn’t heard those words since I was nine years old! In 2009 when my mom and her love of sweets moved in with us I gained five pounds and I was okay with that because others thought I was too thin. I liked how I felt at 140 but I could live with the gain. When mom was sick last Christmas and died in January—I gained five pounds in a few weeks. They stuck. Every trip I’ve taken this year I’ve gained 3-4 pounds and then struggled for what felt like forever to let them go. It's not about the number but how I feel—heavier and less energized.

Since starting CrossFit I have definitely seen and felt a difference in my body (yes, besides sore muscles!) but I haven't lost weight. Yes, I built muscle. Yes, I’m stronger and have more stamina. I still have a ways to go to be toned but I’ll get there one workout at a time. But I see that I slowly gave up on all my other exercise; walking, biking, dancing, and I felt sorry for my poor sore body and didn’t I deserve a reward for all my effort? I reverted to thinking of foods as good, bad, and evil. Guess where all my comfort foods lie out of those three categories?

It has taken me all year to realize I’ve been stuck in diet mentality. My Weight Watchers leader Stacey mentioned this in a meeting last week and I had an Aha! moment. I wasn’t consciously depriving myself but now I see that’s why when I broke down and binged I could disappear a half a pan of brownies. Poof! The thinking is: scarf as much as possible because it may be months before I get this again. Then came the cycle of guilt, admonishment, feeling bad about myself, which triggers a whole ‘nother emotional food-fest, followed by the question why bother exercising after eating all that!?

I was discouraged. I was tired of the struggle. I’d lost my way. I'd forgotten that this journey is a process—not about getting to done. There is no done for this over eater/emotional eater. For me the first step to getting back on track is to pick myself up. I wanted something to lift my spirits and energy. I needed a vision. Once I became aware of my thinking I was on board immediately with letting go of diet brain—I know diets don’t work yet I had reverted to my comfort zone. I needed to stretch myself out of that supposed comfortable place of excess and ease and get back up. I needed to see it. Be it. Live it. Not a DIEt but a LIVEit. Isn’t it interesting that evil in reverse is LIVE? Hmmmm.

My vision manifested itself as a vision board with a twist. I cut out magazine pictures and words that gave life and color to my intentions of building a strong and healthy body. I added my weigh in date for each week in December and my intended weight. First I SEE it on the board. Then I BEcome it, manifest it. That’s how I LIVEit. Creating the board itself was a messy creative trial and error endeavor and reaffirmed for me how important going through the process is—not the end result.

The first time I attempted to make it I was in a hurry and resistant to the process. I ended up tearing it up and starting again the next day. I set the mood and took a pile of O Magazines and all the tools I’d need to snip and glue and sat in the middle of my bed. Once I relaxed into the rhythm of opening and receiving, the perfect photos and words popped up everywhere. I had set my timer for ninety minutes and I stopped and walked away when it beeped. I left the bed just the way it was. Oh my inner control freak wanted to clean up right now! I gently cajoled her with, No dear, we’re not finished, it’s not your turn yet, we’ll come back later and you can whip it into shape.

I went back before dinner for an hour to trim and choose my final pieces and lay them out. Oh, it was delightful! A childlike process akin to paper dolls. Once again, I walked away when the dinner bell rang. Later that night as we settled in to watch a show I sat in front of the TV wielding my glue stick like a magic wand and whisking all the pieces into their ideal places. It took all day to complete this concoction because I let it simmer and burble like a good potion maker does.

I learned to be in the moment; to connect to my creative genius; to trust my gut; to see what I want to be; to be patient and loving with myself; that mis-takes are merely do-overs to celebrate. I learned that I can enjoy the end results but not let them be the keeper of joy— happiness lies in the journey not the destination. I learned that all the lessons of creating my LIVEit poster apply to living my LIVEit life!

(I wrote this draft on Monday and weighed in on Tuesday: at a half a pound below my goal for week one! Woot, woot!)

 

 

Enough already!

This post is long overdue. Until this moment I was hesitant to write it and be authentic and vulnerable. I had eagerly anticipated our final bootcamp session at CrossFit on August 19^th. That evening we bootcamp ladies and our coaches met for drinks and appetizers each of us stylin’ and unrecognizable to the others out of our workout clothes. Prizes were awarded to participants who had worked their butts off (literally!) and the results spoke volumes.

Yes, I was happy for my classmates’ success but I was disappointed in myself. This is a repeat lesson for me.  I did my best but could have done better—my best wasn’t good enough. How did it become so ingrained in me not to celebrate my successes but to actually refuse to acknowledge their existence by beating myself up for an imagined expectation?

I wallowed for a week. Then I realized I was using unhappiness to motivate myself. To do what? Try harder or quit.  The way I felt it was more likely I’d give up. As I wrestled with that demon I had another ‘aha’ moment. I was wallowing and beating myself up not only because I was disappointed in myself but because I was back full circle at this lesson again.  I’d dealt with this not enough issue over and over why was it back? Because I had dealt with it, put it to bed, made peace with it in those other scenarios—not this one. Ahhh. Got it.

I wasn’t dealing with actually feeling not enough in this situation but what my feelings triggered when I first decided I was not enough. Oh, breakthroughs are incredibly freeing when they dazzle you with their shiny wisdom.  And I was buying into that belief again because I’d forgotten I had a choice.  With this awakening I chose a different way—no I don’t want to wallow in unhappiness, no I don’t like self-sabotaging myself, no I don’t want to quit, no I don’t want to live as though I am not enough.

I choose to let go of expectation and be in the now and celebrate where I am. A human ‘bean’ with human issues like feeling and believing I’m not enough when those unworthy feelings are triggered. I could also delve into what ‘enough’ means to me but for now it is enough to know I am enough. Let me say that again: I am enough. Just. As. I. Am.

Advanced Bootcamp begins next Monday and I will be there with my sneakers laced, my spirits high, and my expectations left…well I won’t leave them behind—I won’t give them life or breath to begin with.

Back to the basics

There’s a wise saying that goes something like, you teach what you most need to learn. In this instance I wasn’t teaching but sharing a practice my friend and I learned almost twenty-five years ago: happiness is a choice. My friend was stuck in a negative loop with her family wanting them to be happy but choosing to be unhappy because they were.  We sat together for several hours and reminded ourselves of the basics of what we knew but had forgotten to practice:

Be the change you want to see.
If you want happiness in your life be happy.

Be happy first.
Not once you get something or somewhere—circumstances and others do not create happiness—we choose to be happy.

Don’t take another’s unhappiness or judgments personally.
It’s not all about YOU. Let the unhappy person own their own unhappiness don’t accept responsibility for it.

Happiness is empowering and clarifying.
You can see exactly where you want to go and what actions will take you there.

Happiness works with the law of attraction
The energy you expend is what will be reflected back to you—positive or negative it’s your choice.

Change your thoughts, change your life
That statement may seem Pollyannaish but in my experience it is absolute truth. When I change the way I look at things, the things I look at change (Wayne Dyer).

My friend doubted she could choose happiness in the maelstrom of unhappiness she was engulfed in.  As she shared her fears I was reminded that it’s our humanness to cling to our beliefs: it’s hard to be happy, or to blame someone else, or to react instead of respond. As humans we get invested in being right instead of loving. Choosing happiness is choosing love—for yourself and everyone else involved.  Ghandi’s wise words could not be more empowering: Be the change you want to see.

A note to my deeply loved friend: you are the happiest person I know, the way you live your life inspires me to live my best life, thank you for your trust, thank you for re-minding me of the basics, I needed to hear these wise words again and re-live the lesson I lived over and over with mom and am still living—give up being right and be loving. Many wise souls have summed up their wisdom in a few basic words: Love is the answer. Love is the key.  Love in action. The greatest of these is love.  You always remind me that love always wins so I’ll re-mind you— love always wins. All ways.

You look great!

By LexnGer

What do you DO with a compliment? Yes, I realize now a response or action is required to complete the exchange. Have you considered that if you don’t DO anything with a compliment you’re rejecting a gift? I wondered that exact thought last week when two people paid me specific compliments and after I thanked the person I habitually brushed the compliment aside with a negative thought. I didn’t accept it, celebrate it, revel in it, or demonstrate it in any way. That would be selfish, right?

Yup, the old me definitely thought that. The ‘me’ who was overweight, unhappy, and inauthentic. That old me inside reared her unwanted head to blow off both compliments because it’s not okay to think too much of yourself or puff yourself up with importance. And that’s not what I wanted at all. I wanted to feel how good it felt to be complimented to bask in that glow and let it revitalize my batteries for a while. So what’s stopping me from basking but me? Aha. What others might think of me. But yanno I laid that burden down and it’s too darn heavy to pick up again.
 
#1: A Weight Watchers member read my name tag and my weight loss and said, “You’re so thin, you look great. I want to look just like you!”  I stuffed a sock in ‘old me’ and thanked the member authentically. I told her that it had been hard work to get here and it ‘takes a village’ and I was honored to inspire her and if there was ever anything I could do I really wanted to help her get to her ‘great’, too.

#2: My young, sweet, and amazingly fit coach at CrossFit always tells us what a great job we’ve done and how proud she is of us, and she said to me as Brin and I were leaving after a particularly tough session, “Laura, you’re my hero.” And I laughed and thanked her but gave that compliment a lot of thought.

She’s the one who’s fit and met her goals and yet I inspire her? Wow. I do? How empowering. And I get it. Because even though it’s hard for me I persevere. I’m committed to myself and I’m committed to my bootcamp buddies. Thank you Lindsay for opening my eyes to see that inspiration isn’t one-directional—it flows both ways. You inspire with your passion for what you do and the people you train which makes you wise beyond your years.

What do you DO with a compliment dear reader? My wish for you is to embrace a compliment with open arms, maybe even the person offering it. ;) Accept the gift.  Don’t hesitate to celebrate you and your accomplishment. Revel baby, revel.

CrossFit

A few weeks ago my daughter shared that she had found an exercise program she wanted to try. I asked her for the scoop. She said it was kinda intense and I may not like it. Now there’s a moment to savor: your child using child psychology on you to get you to do something you don’t want to do. LOL! She wasn’t pushy at all she suggested I look up CrossFit Pinnacle on Facebook and check out their website and mentioned there were lots of videos, too.

I only looked briefly and I didn’t watch the videos as I thought intense might discourage me from what I thought I was capable of. I really am considered a wuss in our family, no upper body strength so don’t pass me a tight jar lid, but I am handy to have around if you need something light off a high shelf. LOL! Here’s the thing—my kid was inviting me to do something with her to get us both fit and healthy. All of her friends thought she was crazy as CrossFit has a reputation: way too hard. This was not only a chance to spend time with her but for us to share our goals and be there to encourage each other when it was tough. Plus she believed I could do it. This was a no-brainer—I was in.

Here’s the portion of the website that resonated with me, and I was intrigued by a fitness program with these ideals:

To us, fitness is a state of mind, way of being. It shows up in the way you talk, walk, sleep, eat, work, play, dress and relax. It is the physical embodiment of the character traits of honor, courage, confidence, discipline, integrity, responsibility, dedication, and joy. It is also instrumental in reducing the immediate and cumulative effects of stress and anxiety. We’ve found that the fitter a person is, the more he/she is physically able to do the things that bring joy and fun to life – everything from feeling strong, confident and energetic through your normal work day, running around with your kids, being physically active and playing sports, to traveling to remote corners of the earth. Being physically fit is inspiring, feels good, enriches your life, and adds both years to your life, and life to your years. People that are fit seem to have a clearer, more optimistic view of life. For us, the bottom line is this: Fitness allows you to live your best.

Brin and I signed up for a women’s summer boot camp three mornings a week for three months. We survived completed week one yesterday. ;) Is it intense? Hell yes. Is it hard? OMG. Am I sore? LOL! On the flip side am I energized, amazed, and confident after a workout? Yup!

Here’s what I’ve learned about myself this week: when I decide to go for something I give it 110%, I don’t back down from a challenge, I like knowing someone’s got my back, I thrive on camaraderie and encouragement, my body can do waaaaay more than I believed, my thoughts limit me or set me free, I can do anything in sets of five! (Thanks LouBell & Nick!)

Have you ever placed physical, mental, or spiritual limitations on yourself? I definitely had due to my age; I’ll be 47 this month; my physical make-up as weaker than most people; I’ve also had an achy hip for the last year. I’ve thrown these stories about myself out the window, wanna join me!? I will take this challenge one day at a time, one set at a time, one burpee at a time! And I will finish stronger than I began.

 

 

 

 

 

...lost and found...

When I first created this blog in 2009 my intention was to chronicle my weight loss journey. I wanted to keep myself accountable and to inspire others to go for the dreams they thought were out of their reach. While I was mom’s caretaker for the past year I had more issues with food and exercise than I believed possible! Wasn’t I past emotional eating? Didn’t I kick that habit when I lost fifty pounds? Then why was a cramming potato chips into my mouth while watching a late night movie? Why was I eating the high fat foods that I prepared for her because she enjoyed them so much? And why was I blaming her for my eating choices!? These were questions I demanded answers to halfway through the year as the stress of my new lifestyle took its toll.

Yesterday I used my tracking journal to pull out my monthly weight since Nov 2009 when I weighed in at my lowest 140.5 I’d been hovering at 143 even though my Weight Watcher’s goal was 150 (for my height 5’10” the high end is 174). Mom moved in with us Thanksgiving 2009—barely three months later I weighed 145 and stayed within two pounds either side for the year. By January 2011 I was 150 and I weighed in today at 152. Now don’t think I’m obsessed with the scale it’s a tool not a God. But I had avoided the scale because I didn’t want to know—I didn’t want to feel as though I’d failed. I do know. My clothes are tight, and I feel sluggish and less energetic and those ten to twelve pounds are heavy and bogging me down—physically and emotionally. I felt way better at 145 but I felt awesome at 140 and will shoot for releasing the first five and then set another goal for releasing the next five. My coach reminded me to use intentional language like releasing because when I say I’ve lost a certain number of pounds I may find them again!

I’ve been choosing comfort foods which mean carbs and sugar. (sigh) When we’ve eaten out I’ve ordered fried foods (gasp!) and slathered real mayonnaise on my sandwich and then asked for dessert. When I’m active and exercising regularly at a calorie burning level I wouldn’t think twice about splurging on a couple of meals each month to treat myself. But when it becomes weekly and then daily it slid into a habit or a crutch. I was using those late night cookies to numb myself or console myself, or even punish myself but yanno it doesn’t really help, or at least not for long. Grief is a process. It takes as long as it takes. I won’t find ‘I feel good about me’ at the bottom of a bag or box of anything!

I’ve decided I can grieve and walk; grieve and laugh; grieve and eat healthy; grieve and love; grieve and release fat; grieve and live…until I’m done. For me grieving is about letting go—not simply the past or what could have been but my regrets, guilt, sadness, loss, and I’m ready. I’m ready to choose love and happiness. I’m ready to let go of all the things that are weighing me down and float into my future self as gently as a wind blown kiss.

My love board

At the end of the year this is what my 'love' bulletin board looks like; filled with cards and notes for celebrations, thankyous, my b’day, or just because a loved one wanted to say I love you. I collect them ALL—every little scribble. I keep them out where they are a daily reminder of how much I am loved, how much others believe in me. When I’m feeling low this board lights me up and renews my spirit.

Yes, I realize Valentine’s Day is traditionally celebrated as romantic love but how about as SARK wrote in a Valentine’s email message I received today: Happy Valentines Day (aka Happy Self-Love Opportunity).

She went on to share: We can make a bold choice to "romance" our deepest selves with the gift of creativity.  When you respond to life creatively, you give yourself gifts daily that delight and nourish your mind, body and spirit.

My love board is actually a work of art and some may find it visually overwhelming and in that case start small. When I take all the notes, quotes, cards, and pix down in January (this year it was February!) I save them in a scrapbook. I insert them with no particular order—my pen pal’s love drawings are right next to my client’s thank you notes.  (That beautiful smiling face in the foreground is my penpal Monique!) It’s a jumble of love preserved for those moments when I’m not feeling lovable or brilliant or simply wallowing in that ‘human bean’ state of not quite good enough.

Those who love me and share that love teach me how to see myself through their eyes and envision a laura, laura allen that loves herself wholly and completely without hesitation. Thank you my loved ones—truly.

What’s your version of a love board? How do you receive the gift of a glowing compliment or appreciation for your being? I hope instead of needing to feel humble or wave the compliment aside you’re able to embrace it (and the giver, too) and shine a little brighter. The world needs your glow.

...Love This Life

LovethisLife

My artist and writer friend Kathy gave me this cool postcard from New Mexico:

Which led me to this cool website.

Which had this cool manifesto:

LovethisLife...

is about celebrating the moment

and that we're not guaranteed or owed another day

and how cool it is that what we hide

can actually be the fuel towards our glory

and that it's not so bad being proven wrong

LovethisLife...

is about welcoming the blind turn

and the possibility

that there's no such thing as coincidence

and that empathy is incredibly sexy

and that it's never too late

to pick up a guitar or a paintbrush

or to make an amend or to make a new friend

LovethisLife...

could be about rekindling a past flame

or igniting a new one

or shapeshifting from a dreamer into a doer

or savouring the caress of a love long gone

LovethisLife...

means whatever it is you want it to mean

because

LovethisLife...

is a celebration of you and your path

LovethisLife...

cuz it could go at any second

you rock.

copyright 2002, david culiner

 

Love this life. I DO!

Wholehearted

My dear friend and client Honoré gifted me the book  The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown.

  The caption on the cover below the title reads "Your Guide To A Wholehearted Life." What’s that I wondered? The back cover offers that the author “…shares ten guideposts on the power of Wholehearted living—a way of engaging with the world from a place of worthiness.”

A place of worthiness? Hmmmm. Don’t I do that? Aren’t I authentic, positive, connected, and see the giftedness of life? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. But what about those human ‘bean’ moments (as SARK calls them) when I feel guilty and undeserving? I’ve experienced survivor’s guilt since mom died—I’m here and she’s not. I realize it’s not logical or justified but feelings of pain usually aren’t.

Over the past few years I have reinvented myself and my moments of fear, negativity, and guilt are less often than they were but I’m human and so they exist. I can say they don’t paralyze me as they once did and I am aware of my choices and behaviors, which is the first step to creating a new possibility. No doubt this book had me at its title—the ‘gifts’ of imperfection!

As I glanced at the contents these passages resonated with me:

From the Preface:

“How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a Wholehearted life: loving ourselves.”

From the Intro

“Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.”

 Instead of “pushing through” or “sucking up” when I’m at the end of my rope I can learn to DIG Deep like people who live Wholeheartedly:

“They get

Deliberate in their thoughts and behaviors through prayer, meditation, or simply setting their intentions;

Inspired to make new and different choices;

Going. They take action.”

I shared my enthusiasm with my dear hubby and asked if he would be willing to read it together? He’s usually pretty open-minded but can be wary of the ‘self-help’ books I’m attracted to. We have started reading a chapter out-loud at lunch and already look forward to that focused time together and the great conversation it promotes! Thank you Honoré!

I’ve also been pondering my ‘one little word’ for my theme for 2011. Last year my word was release and that was spot on with my caretaking duties during my mom’s illness and death. I’m ready to heal and move forward and was instantly captured by the word wholehearted and so Jeff is making my OLW on his scroll saw to keep on my desk as a daily reminder to live and love from my whole heart.

Creative is a Verb

A few months ago I shared a piece of artwork I had created in Photoshop and submitted for publication in Patti Digh’s new book Creative is a Verb: If You’re Alive, You’re Creative.

This week her fabulous editor, Mary Norris, at Globe Pequot Press informed me that my artwork has been accepted. How exciting! This is a huge affirmation for me because I almost didn’t send them anything. I was trapped in this vision of myself of not being an artist—that because I didn’t have the kind of talent my aunt has, to paint and draw realistic life like images that seem to leap off the canvas or page, I was not an artist in other ways.

I took baby steps towards transforming my self-vision. I was comfortable saying I was creative and affirmed that using Photoshop to manipulate an image was an expression of that creativity. This was a stretch for me as I am not a Photoshop expert—but I combined curiosity, a passion for learning, and the willingness to experiment. I gave myself permission to be creative, to see what possibility was breathed into life!

 For me having the whole cake, and eating it too, was in the act of creation and then sharing that creation—the publication piece is icing on the cake. And Brin’s lovely image will be in print in what I’m positive will be a bestselling book!