During the past decade and a half I have grown emotionally and spiritually in ways I never would have foreseen. An inextricable foundation for this blossoming has been practicing extreme self care. I shifted from a place of believing that taking care of myself was selfish and silly to a life affirming empowering practice of giving to me as a reflection of how deeply I love and approve of myself. The chasm I crossed was huge, Grand Canyonish. And so the summer days leading up to my birthday were planned around being unplugged from my purple 'puter, filled with family and friends and surrounded by delectable food, laughter, and joy. Celebrating my birthday is all about being loved, and I am blessed to be loved in so many ways by so many precious people.
Then the rain started and didn't stop—it still hasn't stopped. And I learned again (wash, rinse, repeat) the grace of flexibility and spontaneity as I canceled some plans due to weather and created new ones on the spot. I experienced the truth of my coach's wise words, Whatever is good and right for you is almost always what is good and right for everyone involved. Every day Friday through Monday has been a unique celebration of my first breath and I am still reveling in the love.
There are unfortunately no photos of Jeff and I at Crescent Beach huddled under our bent beach umbrella (the wind was that strong) waiting out the sudden downpours until we could sit back and read again. (I love you JS!) The ocean was wild and magnificent and my soul rose up in mirror image of nature as a force of action envisoining the endless possibilities awaiting me, in this, my forty-eighth year. Imagine!
Day 19 of Verb Tribe we were asked to choose a childhood photo and look at it and then write, Who was I then?
I have always loved this photo of me and mom but I've only looked at 'her' for clues to what she was thinking, what that hidden smile meant, how she's holding me. The photo says 1967 making me three but I look younger. I thought this photo would trigger loss and sadness but I feel only joy and love looking at it now.
Here are a few excerpts from my bag:
"On my God! I was gorgeous—I look like a plump angelic cherubim—my eyes are wide with wonder and I am besotted with my mother—I love her with every iota of my being and she belongs to me."
"My happiness bubbles up from a hidden well and this pure joy cannot be contained—I laugh, I spin, I run, I swim, I play; I am love in action. In my heart there is only me and my mother—I am safe."
My mom knew how to love and dote on me as a child—I was her life (she'd been told not to have another child after my sister, eleven years my elder). But she was relationally and emotionally unavailable as I grew and in my adolescence I fought (as only a teenager can) for my freedom and left home at sixteen. We were still close after that but on my terms. When my daughter was born she transferred all the love and doting to her.
Mom became ill with dementia about ten years ago and I was finally able to celebrate the independent spirit she gave me and the example of living as a non-conformist and always doing things her way as a business owner and optimist.
I did not love mom like I did in this photo until the last few years of her life as her caretaker, our roles reversed. I would always tell her she was safe and loved as I tucked her in (exactly as she had done for me, I was terrified of the dark) and I gave her my lifelong Teddy to keep her safe and I would say I love you...and often she would parrot the words back and sometimes not respond at all. But one clear night after a particularly good day I said, Goodnight mom, I love you. And she said with emotion and joy, Oh, I love you more every day. That's what this photo means to me and who I was...and who I am still today.
Mom would have turned eighty-one today—happy birthday mom!
Day 14 of Verb Tribe we were invited to write our daily prompt, ten minutes on a paper bag, with our nondominant hand. I met this invitation with full resistance which looked like closing the prompt and doing everything else but write with my left hand. Eventually I came full circle and returned to the prompt and to the page, or bag. Here's what I shared after the prompt:
Oh resistance! Huge crooked letters...and then an in rushing of sadness...this is how mom wrote at the end...oh how this frustrated her...I wrote through the sadness and struggle until the end of my bag. Then I flipped it over and with my right hand, wrote this:
Say
It's too hard, she says. Keep at it, I encourage. It looks like chicken scratch, she says. I can read it...kinda. Pfffffft. She says. Mom—you can do this. She picks up Mount Pen. I don't say it is chicken scratch.
Her cursive handwriting was the first to go Along with memories of where she lived and who I was.
She moves Mount Pen incrementally the letters of her name printed like a kindergartener. Great job! I say. If you say so, she says. I do.
My mom loved Christmas! She would hoard little treasures from yard sales and flea markets all year long and store them in a trunk to give to us at Christmas. Presents had to be distributed one at a time and in a certain order so we could all watch the recipient open and share their joy. ;) In the early seventies she excitedly drug home her most exciting find and we assembled it in the living room: a garish silver artificial tree made of some sort of aluminum strips. Once the lights and decorations were on she added the final finishing touch by pouring white Styrofoam ‘peanuts’ over the top to simulate snow. At nine I was completely enchanted! Her enthusiastic giving continued even when she was seventy-nine.
Mom became ill two days before Christmas last year and I transferred her to Hospice the day after Christmas. We stayed with her until she crossed over on January 7th. I’m sure we celebrated Christmas after that but I don’t recall it. And I know I must have taken the tree and decorations down and put her unopened presents away but I have no clear memory. So this year I wasn’t sure I wanted to celebrate Christmas. Did I want to put up the tree she and I found for five dollars at a thrift shop and we’ve used and loved the past seven years? We even considered traveling for the holidays. But I knew I wanted to be with Brin wherever we were and I knew Mom would not want me to give up Christmas. I gave the tree away to a neighborhood family and wished them many happy memories around it.
Our family tradition since Brin was a toddler was to get a ‘free’ live tree on Christmas Eve bring it home and decorate it, have dinner, and then open presents. Oh about the ‘free’ tree—you know those empty lots near shopping centers that pop up after November strung with white light bulbs and cut live trees lined up along a mesh fence? Well this free tree ritual began literally because in those days we could not afford to buy a tree! My parents and sister and brother-in-loveand even our neighbors always joined us. We practiced this tradition for over a decade into Brin’s teens and well after I moved on from working Christmas Day at a movie theatre and could afford to buy a tree! And over the years most of those loved ones for one reason or another join us now only in Spirit.
This year we reinstated the tradition which Brin explained to her boyfriend and we learned she never realized it started because we were broke—we all found this quite hilarious! Brin cooked for us Christmas Eve at our house and Jeff and I went out to look for a tree. Our little town used to have them everywhere but this year we couldn’t locate even one. Sigh. Soooo, Brin’s three foot tall purple pre-lit artificial tree would have to grow on me.
I set it up on a table in the living room window and dug out the Christmas decorations brought in from the shed but I could only find the bulbs mom and Jeff and I had painted together last year. Oh it was a brilliant idea but a bigger project than I had anticipated as it was too challenging for her physically. But we muddled through and had a great time. We gave each of her caretakers and family and friends a special bulb to remember us and this Christmas. They actually looked perfect on this little purple tree and I was happy.
But I couldn’t find the box with all of our family decorations, yet the box of lights were there. I was disheartened. I had no memory of packing them so I wasn’t really sure what I’d done with them. We rechecked the shed—not there. I ran through several unhappy scenarios and decided to let it go for then (which was a HUGE stretch for me) and not deal with it over the holiday. The tree was glittering and was a perfect memory of mom—she would have been delighted with it just the way it was.
I really ‘got’ this year that Christmas, or whatever winter holiday you may celebrate, is about love. And demonstrating that love with others. We didn’t exchange presents, we had a little tree, Brin cooked a scrumptious meal, and we had each other. The people in the world I love dearly were with me and healthy and happy and I am incredibly grateful and blessed that this is so. That’s all the gift I needed.
Later that night I was leaving mom’s old bedroom, now storage and exercise room, and I felt the impulse to whisper to the darkened ceiling, still glowing from her glow in the dark stars, Happy Christmas Mom, I love you. I was at peace.
A few days later when I was taking the outside lights down I moved the boxes in her old room and there was an unopened box of Christmas decorations that I swear had not been there before! I sat down and opened it and low and behold (pun intended) it was our family decorations, the ones I thought were irrevocably lost! I appreciate the serendipity or miracle or marvel that I didn’t find them until I was ready—until I’d made peace with Christmas. Until I’d made peace with loving mom long distance.
My mom's subscription of O Magazine has arrived each month all year and I have piled them in a basket without reading them. Not because of the magazine but because it was something mom loved to do and had struggled with so much in her final months. She was always tearing out tidbits and words to share with me from magazines. I miss that.
Last month when I was ready to create my weight goal vision board I used the magazines to cut out words and photos that spoke to me. I also couldn't help but read a few articles and was wowed at the content and insightfulness. Mom would want me to read them, of course she would! I know it seems such a glaringly obvious fact but for me this was an AHA moment.
I read January's edition from cover to cover and the final page "What I Know for Sure" by Oprah resonated with me immensely and I hope you'll go here and read it in it's entirety. Here's an excerpt that seeped deep into my core and settled quietly, stilly, basking in the truth and power of these words:
"I choose to see it (2012) as the dawning of a new year of alignment, because with alignment comes enlightenment. When you're aligned with your heart's desire, when you're in sync with who you're meant to be and how you're supposed to contribute to our magnificent Earth, you feel a shift in perception. You start to notice that miracles show up regularly.
Some people call these miracles coincidences or serendipity. I like to call them marvelisms. Because when I'm doing everything I'm meant to do to keep my mind, body, and spirit whole (which for me means meditating twice a day, eating healthy, and exercising at least one hour daily), I constantly marvel at how other experiences fall into place. It's as though that beautiful line in Paulo Coelho's novel The Alchemist comes true: "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.""
Isn't that the best word!? Marvelisms. What marvelisms do you want to attract for yourself in 2012 dear reader? I have made great strides the last month of 2011 to answer that question clearly for myself and already on this fisrt day of the New Year feel I am on the exact right path and it feels...well it feels marvelous!
My dear hubby really is a dear and dotes on me and my whims to an extreme. I'm not complaining mind you, I love the results. They go something like this; Honey, I have an idea to send friends a special momento of the AssistU Homecoming. He knows I love giving 'hands to hearts' gifts. He comments that's a great idea. I extrapoloate and say but it's something for you to make on the scroll saw. I smile sweetly and bat my eyelashes at him. Oh. Long pause and then always something like, a loud guffaw and then, Okay, what do you want me to make?
Jeff has been my best friend and partner for twenty-eight years and we have made a life filled with love and adventure. He is always there for me. He always supports my work, my passions, my crazy ideas, my life—which is whole and complete because of us. ♥ I love you Jeff! (Oh, and happy birthday!)
In case you're wondering what a 'vug' is I kinda coined it when I was in AssistU's Virtual Training Program instead of signing: Hugs, Laura I sent a virtual hug and wrote: Vugs, Laura. It stuck! So our slogan at Homecoming was "From vugs to hugs". Here's one of the signs he made this week which are winging their way to friends right now:
Tami shared hers on Facebook with the card I sent. ;) Friends posted and said they wanted one, too! They are not painted or varnished so you can leave them natural wood or paint them yourself. You can place your order with Jeff via: neofab at cox dot net. Won't he be surprised to hear from you! <grin> I'm thinking a donation to your favorite charity in lieu of a payment. Whatcha think? Big vugs!
I moved my bedroom dresser the other day, which I haven't done in years. I decided I wanted to try a new view. Behind it I found this card from mom which she gave me before one of my client trips in 2007. Isn't the artwork gorgeous? It's a Leanin' Tree card by Josephine Wall. And the significance of the faires continuing into infinity was not lost on me.
This would have been written at the very beginning of her memory challenges. Seeing her clear handwriting and complete thoughts and love on the page astonished me! I had forgotten where she WAS at the beginning. Oh my, she loved me so much and I had forgotten what that felt like, too.
Thanks for the card AGAIN mom—it had been waiting for years for you to send it to me once more. Message received loud and clear. Love never, ever ends. ♥
Last year AssistU’s Community Recognition Awards were held in Reston, VA and Anastacia aptly renamed the event Homecoming. I knew after a year of caretaking responsibilities I desperately needed to attend in order to rejuvenate myself and to give and receive love, hugs, and laughter. My experience although wonderful was that I wasn’t really present for the event—I was worried about my mom and how she and my family were handling my absence. Unfortunately not well and even though there was nothing I could do about that I struggled with feelings of guilt and selfishness amidst the outpouring of love I received from my virtual family.
After connecting virtually for over a year I met Beatrice Ten-Thye (whom my aunt in Canada had referred to me and AssistU) at that event which made every negative thought and doubt flee in the joy and happiness of our connection. That’s what Homecoming is about! In the groovy words of of the ultimate Native American rock band, Redbone, “Come and get your love.”
I traveled to distant cities three times this year (huge for this homebody) and had not budgeted for a trip to San Diego in September. I waivered and listed pros and cons and sat on the fence whining about the view. Then I spoke to my childhood friend, we met in the Bahamas when we were ten, who has lived in San Diego for ten years and raved about it, but I had never visited her new city.
I heard the excitement in her voice when I told her our community in person event would be held there and that I was considering coming. She really wanted me to come but she also said it was the perfect place to hold our Homecoming event. That decided me. The attraction of an old friend sharing her beloved city was the kick in the butt I needed to create the resources of time, finances, and energy to make it happen. I had been focusing on what it would cost me to go instead of what it would pay me to go. That’s what Homecoming is about, “Come and get your love.”
When I arrived at the restaurant for the educational portion of the event (a most excellent addition) I was greeted in the foyer by dearly familiar faces that I have met over the past five years of CRA events. We rush to hug, quite often we scream or jump up and down with joy! And then a tiny blonde woman came up to me and said, “Laura? It’s Lisa!” My latest lovely intern from Colorado—we had just spent the past two months working together and getting to know each other. Oh, how wonderful it is to go from vugs (virtual hugs) to warm, tight, long, loving HUGS! That’s what Homecoming is about, “Come and get your love.”
Bumper sticker we received at Homecoming! :)
I made my way through this crowd of twenty-five or so women and then recognized (only because we had finally Skyped together the past week) another dear friend I’d never met. Karen interned with me four years ago when she graduated AssistU’s Virtual Training Program. She had delayed starting her business until this year to support her parents and her in-laws, and moved to two States in the process. We were there for each other when we were caretakers for our moms and became very close. Joy of joys to hug dear Karen and look into her eyes and smile from my soul. That’s what Homecoming is about, “Come and get your love.”
When hands reached up to cover my eyes from behind me I knew it could only be Bea! A kindred soul and lovely spirit—I love loving Beatrice. Since I met her in Reston I had stayed with her for a week in Canada after visiting my relatives this spring. We formed a wonderful bond and experienced memory making moments together. What a dear friend she’s been. Shouts of joy must have preceded that huge hug! That’s what Homecoming is about, “Come and get your love.”
Eventually we settled for the presentation beginning with two awesome guest speakers: Christina Hills who spoke about Wordpress and her online training program followed by Laura Rubinstein a social media specialist and co-founder of Social Buzz Club—an innovative online networking membership community. These amazing women were joined by a panel of our own AU experts in their fields and we all participated in a lively Q&A session, sharing knowledge, aha moments, and how to steps; no questions were too small or too big. One distinguishing detail that makes our community a unique and extraordinary place is that we give freely to each other: information, resources, support, and feedback. Our panel of experts was informative, helpful, and magnanimous in their answers and explanations. Thank you all for participating! That’s what Homecoming is about, “Come and get your love.”
There were more hugs and shouts of joy as new faces joined in when we regrouped for dinner and the next day for the awards luncheon. I won’t drag this post out with a play by play but I thoroughly enjoyed hearing everyone introduce themselves before the luncheon and share something most people in the room would not know about themselves. The view, food, sunshiny patio and company were all spectacular! The tears flowed of course as Anastacia presented the awards with deeply touching words about each recipient. Huge congratulations to all of our deserving award winners—I was honored to be nominated with so many esteemed VAs. When Rachael’s dad asked to say a few words of gratitude and how proud he was of his daughter there was not a dry eye in the room. That’s what Homecoming is about, “Come and get your love.”
Cameras snapped to capture the moments, video rolled and then the totally cool photo shoot that Rach’s dad set up took off wildly with priceless shots like these:
That’s what Homecoming is about, “Come and get your love.”
Unexpectedly, I received numerous compliments on my blog and writing from these dear friends and readers which touched me deeply. Taking the time to write a comment is a huge compliment for a blogger, but mentioning how much you enjoy reading a blogger’s post when you see them in person is a deeply gracious and inspiring act—thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will absolutely keep writing! That’s what Homecoming is about, “Come and get your love.”
So, what is Homecoming about? Connecting. Learning, Experiencing. Loving. For me these people, these kindred souls, are my virtual family and so Homecoming is a deep quiet pool in my soul where I replenish and nourish myself and give as much as I receive. It’s about coming home.
If you were there—take a moment to relive your favorite memory from Homecoming while you get up and boogie to Real McCoy’s version of, “Come and Get Your Love”! If you weren’t able to join us this year get up and boogie while you brainstorm what it will take for you to be there with us next September for Homecoming in Minneapolis, we absolutely want you to, “Come and get your love!"
There’s a wise saying that goes something like, you teach what you most need to learn. In this instance I wasn’t teaching but sharing a practice my friend and I learned almost twenty-five years ago: happiness is a choice. My friend was stuck in a negative loop with her family wanting them to be happy but choosing to be unhappy because they were. We sat together for several hours and reminded ourselves of the basics of what we knew but had forgotten to practice:
Be the change you want to see. If you want happiness in your life be happy.
Be happy first. Not once you get something or somewhere—circumstances and others do not create happiness—we choose to be happy.
Don’t take another’s unhappiness or judgments personally. It’s not all about YOU. Let the unhappy person own their own unhappiness don’t accept responsibility for it.
Happiness is empowering and clarifying. You can see exactly where you want to go and what actions will take you there.
Happiness works with the law of attraction The energy you expend is what will be reflected back to you—positive or negative it’s your choice.
Change your thoughts, change your life That statement may seem Pollyannaish but in my experience it is absolute truth. When I change the way I look at things, the things I look at change (Wayne Dyer).
My friend doubted she could choose happiness in the maelstrom of unhappiness she was engulfed in. As she shared her fears I was reminded that it’s our humanness to cling to our beliefs: it’s hard to be happy, or to blame someone else, or to react instead of respond. As humans we get invested in being right instead of loving. Choosing happiness is choosing love—for yourself and everyone else involved. Ghandi’s wise words could not be more empowering: Be the change you want to see.
A note to my deeply loved friend: you are the happiest person I know, the way you live your life inspires me to live my best life, thank you for your trust, thank you for re-minding me of the basics, I needed to hear these wise words again and re-live the lesson I lived over and over with mom and am still living—give up being right and be loving. Many wise souls have summed up their wisdom in a few basic words: Love is the answer. Love is the key. Love in action. The greatest of these is love. You always remind me that love always wins so I’ll re-mind you— love always wins. All ways.
What do you DO with a compliment? Yes, I realize now a response or action is required to complete the exchange. Have you considered that if you don’t DO anything with a compliment you’re rejecting a gift? I wondered that exact thought last week when two people paid me specific compliments and after I thanked the person I habitually brushed the compliment aside with a negative thought. I didn’t accept it, celebrate it, revel in it, or demonstrate it in any way. That would be selfish, right?
Yup, the old me definitely thought that. The ‘me’ who was overweight, unhappy, and inauthentic. That old me inside reared her unwanted head to blow off both compliments because it’s not okay to think too much of yourself or puff yourself up with importance. And that’s not what I wanted at all. I wanted to feel how good it felt to be complimented to bask in that glow and let it revitalize my batteries for a while. So what’s stopping me from basking but me? Aha. What others might think of me. But yanno I laid that burden down and it’s too darn heavy to pick up again.
#1: A Weight Watchers member read my name tag and my weight loss and said, “You’re so thin, you look great. I want to look just like you!” I stuffed a sock in ‘old me’ and thanked the member authentically. I told her that it had been hard work to get here and it ‘takes a village’ and I was honored to inspire her and if there was ever anything I could do I really wanted to help her get to her ‘great’, too.
#2: My young, sweet, and amazingly fit coach at CrossFit always tells us what a great job we’ve done and how proud she is of us, and she said to me as Brin and I were leaving after a particularly tough session, “Laura, you’re my hero.” And I laughed and thanked her but gave that compliment a lot of thought.
She’s the one who’s fit and met her goals and yet I inspire her? Wow. I do? How empowering. And I get it. Because even though it’s hard for me I persevere. I’m committed to myself and I’m committed to my bootcamp buddies. Thank you Lindsay for opening my eyes to see that inspiration isn’t one-directional—it flows both ways. You inspire with your passion for what you do and the people you train which makes you wise beyond your years.
What do you DO with a compliment dear reader? My wish for you is to embrace a compliment with open arms, maybe even the person offering it. ;) Accept the gift. Don’t hesitate to celebrate you and your accomplishment. Revel baby, revel.
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