HungryForLife

Christmas without Mom

My mom loved Christmas! She would hoard little treasures from yard sales and flea markets all year long and store them in a trunk to give to us at Christmas. Presents had to be distributed one at a time and in a certain order so we could all watch the recipient open and share their joy. ;) In the early seventies she excitedly drug home her most exciting find and we assembled it in the living room: a garish silver artificial tree made of some sort of aluminum strips. Once the lights and decorations were on she added the final finishing touch by pouring white Styrofoam ‘peanuts’ over the top to simulate snow. At nine I was completely enchanted! Her enthusiastic giving continued even when she was seventy-nine.

Mom became ill two days before Christmas last year and I transferred her to Hospice the day after Christmas. We stayed with her until she crossed over on January 7^th. I’m sure we celebrated Christmas after that but I don’t recall it. And I know I must have taken the tree and decorations down and put her unopened presents away but I have no clear memory. So this year I wasn’t sure I wanted to celebrate Christmas. Did I want to put up the tree she and I found for five dollars at a thrift shop and we’ve used and loved the past seven years? We even considered traveling for the holidays. But I knew I wanted to be with Brin wherever we were and I knew Mom would not want me to give up Christmas. I gave the tree away to a neighborhood family and wished them many happy memories around it.

Our family tradition since Brin was a toddler was to get a ‘free’ live tree on Christmas Eve bring it home and decorate it, have dinner, and then open presents. Oh about the ‘free’ tree—you know those empty lots near shopping centers that pop up after November strung with white light bulbs and cut live trees lined up along a mesh fence? Well this free tree ritual began literally because in those days we could not afford to buy a tree! My parents and sister and brother-in-loveand even our neighbors always joined us. We practiced this tradition for over a decade into Brin’s teens and well after I moved on from working Christmas Day at a movie theatre and could afford to buy a tree! And over the years most of those loved ones for one reason or another join us now only in Spirit.

This year we reinstated the tradition which Brin explained to her boyfriend and we learned she never realized it started because we were broke—we all found this quite hilarious! Brin cooked for us Christmas Eve at our house and Jeff and I went out to look for a tree. Our little town used to have them everywhere but this year we couldn’t locate even one. Sigh. Soooo, Brin’s three foot tall purple pre-lit artificial tree would have to grow on me.

I set it up on a table in the living room window and dug out the Christmas decorations brought in from the shed but I could only find the bulbs mom and Jeff and I had painted together last year. Oh it was a brilliant idea but a bigger project than I had anticipated as it was too challenging for her physically. But we muddled through and had a great time. We gave each of her caretakers and family and friends a special bulb to remember us and this Christmas.  They actually looked perfect on this little purple tree and I was happy.

But I couldn’t find the box with all of our family decorations, yet the box of lights were there. I was disheartened. I had no memory of packing them so I wasn’t really sure what I’d done with them. We rechecked the shed—not there. I ran through several unhappy scenarios and decided to let it go for then (which was a HUGE stretch for me) and not deal with it over the holiday. The tree was glittering and was a perfect memory of mom—she would have been delighted with it just the way it was.

I really ‘got’ this year that Christmas, or whatever winter holiday you may celebrate, is about love. And demonstrating that love with others. We didn’t exchange presents, we had a little tree, Brin cooked a scrumptious meal, and we had each other. The people in the world I love dearly were with me and healthy and happy and I am incredibly grateful and blessed that this is so. That’s all the gift I needed.

Later that night I was leaving mom’s old bedroom, now storage and exercise room, and I felt the impulse to whisper to the darkened ceiling, still glowing from her glow in the dark stars, Happy Christmas Mom, I love you. I was at peace.

A few days later when I was taking the outside lights down I moved the boxes in her old room and there was an unopened box of Christmas decorations that I swear had not been there before! I sat down and opened it and low and behold (pun intended) it was our family decorations, the ones I thought were irrevocably lost! I appreciate the serendipity or miracle or marvel that I didn’t find them until I was ready—until I’d made peace with Christmas. Until I’d made peace with loving mom long distance.

Marvelisms

My mom's subscription of O Magazine has arrived each month all year and I have piled them in a basket without reading them. Not because of the magazine but because it was something mom loved to do and had struggled with so much in her final months. She was always tearing out tidbits and words to share with me from magazines. I miss that.

Last month when I was ready to create my weight goal vision board I used the magazines to cut out words and photos that spoke to me. I also couldn't help but read a few articles and was wowed at the content and insightfulness. Mom would want me to read them, of course she would! I know it seems such a glaringly obvious fact but for me this was an AHA moment.

I read January's edition from cover to cover and the final page "What I Know for Sure" by Oprah resonated with me immensely and I hope you'll go here and read it in it's entirety. Here's an excerpt that seeped deep into my core and settled quietly, stilly, basking in the truth and power of these words:

"I choose to see it (2012) as the dawning of a new year of alignment, because with alignment comes enlightenment. When you're aligned with your heart's desire, when you're in sync with who you're meant to be and how you're supposed to contribute to our magnificent Earth, you feel a shift in perception. You start to notice that miracles show up regularly.

Some people call these miracles coincidences or serendipity. I like to call them marvelisms. Because when I'm doing everything I'm meant to do to keep my mind, body, and spirit whole (which for me means meditating twice a day, eating healthy, and exercising at least one hour daily), I constantly marvel at how other experiences fall into place. It's as though that beautiful line in Paulo Coelho's novel The Alchemist comes true: "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.""

Isn't that the best word!? Marvelisms. What marvelisms do you want to attract for yourself in 2012 dear reader? I have made great strides the last month of 2011 to answer that question clearly for myself and already on this fisrt day of the New Year feel I am on the exact right path and it feels...well it feels marvelous!

Vugs to hugs

My dear hubby really is a dear and dotes on me and my whims to an extreme. I'm not complaining mind you, I love the results. They go something like this; Honey, I have an idea to send friends a special momento of the AssistU Homecoming. He knows I love giving 'hands to hearts' gifts. He comments that's a great idea. I extrapoloate and say but it's something for you to make on the scroll saw. I smile sweetly and bat my eyelashes at him. Oh. Long pause and then always something like, a loud guffaw and then, Okay, what do you want me to make?

Jeff has been my best friend and partner for twenty-eight years and we have made a life filled with love and adventure. He is always there for me. He always supports my work, my passions, my crazy ideas, my life—which is whole and complete because of us. ♥ I love you Jeff! (Oh, and happy birthday!)

In case you're wondering what a 'vug' is I kinda coined it when I was in AssistU's Virtual Training Program instead of signing: Hugs, Laura I sent a virtual hug and wrote: Vugs, Laura. It stuck! So our slogan at Homecoming was "From vugs to hugs". Here's one of the signs he made this week which are winging their way to friends right now:

 

 

Tami shared hers on Facebook with the card I sent. ;) Friends posted and said they wanted one, too! They are not painted or varnished so you can leave them natural wood or paint them yourself. You can place your order with Jeff via: neofab at cox dot net. Won't he be surprised to hear from you! <grin> I'm thinking a donation to your favorite charity in lieu of a payment. Whatcha think? Big vugs!

Message from mom

I moved my bedroom dresser the other day, which I haven't done in years. I decided I wanted to try a new view. Behind it I found this card from mom which she gave me before one of my client trips in 2007. Isn't the artwork gorgeous? It's a Leanin' Tree card by Josephine Wall. And the significance of the faires continuing into infinity was not lost on me.

This would have been written at the very beginning of her memory challenges. Seeing her clear handwriting and complete thoughts and love on the page astonished me! I had forgotten where she WAS at the beginning. Oh my, she loved me so much and I had forgotten what that felt like, too.

Thanks for the card AGAIN mom—it had been waiting for years for you to send it to me once more. Message received loud and clear. Love never, ever ends. ♥

Come and get your love

Last year AssistU’s Community Recognition Awards were held in Reston, VA and Anastacia  aptly renamed the event Homecoming. I knew after a year of caretaking responsibilities I desperately needed to attend in order to rejuvenate myself and to give and receive love, hugs, and laughter. My experience although wonderful was that I wasn’t really present for the event—I was worried about my mom and how she and my family were handling my absence. Unfortunately not well and even though there was nothing I could do about that I struggled with feelings of guilt and selfishness amidst the outpouring of love I received from my virtual family.

After connecting virtually for over a year I met Beatrice Ten-Thye (whom my aunt in Canada had referred to me and AssistU) at that event which made every negative thought and doubt flee in the joy and happiness of our connection. That’s what Homecoming is about! In the groovy words of of the ultimate Native American rock band, Redbone, “Come and get your love.”

I traveled to distant cities three times this year (huge for this homebody) and had not budgeted for a trip to San Diego in September. I waivered and listed pros and cons and sat on the fence whining about the view. Then I spoke to my childhood friend, we met in the Bahamas when we were ten, who has lived in San Diego for ten years and raved about it, but I had never visited her new city.

I heard the excitement in her voice when I told her our community in person event would be held there and that I was considering coming. She really wanted me to come but she also said it was the perfect place to hold our Homecoming event. That decided me. The attraction of an old friend sharing her beloved city was the kick in the butt I needed to create the resources of time, finances, and energy to make it happen. I had been focusing on what it would cost me to go instead of what it would pay me to go. That’s what Homecoming is about, “Come and get your love.”

When I arrived at the restaurant for the educational portion of the event (a most excellent addition) I was greeted in the foyer by dearly familiar faces that I have met over the past five years of CRA events. We rush to hug, quite often we scream or jump up and down with joy! And then a tiny blonde woman came up to me and said, “Laura? It’s Lisa!” My latest lovely intern from Colorado—we had just spent the past two months working together and getting to know each other. Oh, how wonderful it is to go from vugs (virtual hugs) to warm, tight, long, loving HUGS! That’s what Homecoming is about, “Come and get your love.”

              Bumper sticker we received at Homecoming! :)

I made my way through this crowd of twenty-five or so women and then recognized (only because we had finally Skyped together the past week) another dear friend I’d never met. Karen interned with me four years ago when she graduated AssistU’s Virtual Training Program. She had delayed starting her business until this year to support her parents and her in-laws, and moved to two States in the process. We were there for each other when we were caretakers for our moms and became very close. Joy of joys to hug dear Karen and look into her eyes and smile from my soul. That’s what Homecoming is about, “Come and get your love.”

When hands reached up to cover my eyes from behind me I knew it could only be Bea! A kindred soul and lovely spirit—I love loving Beatrice. Since I met her in Reston I had stayed with her for a week in Canada after visiting my relatives this spring. We formed a wonderful bond and experienced memory making moments together. What a dear friend she’s been. Shouts of joy must have preceded that huge hug! That’s what Homecoming is about, “Come and get your love.”

Eventually we settled for the presentation beginning with two awesome guest speakers: Christina Hills who spoke about Wordpress and her online training program followed by Laura Rubinstein a social media specialist and co-founder of Social Buzz Club—an innovative online networking membership community. These amazing women were joined by a panel of our own AU experts in their fields and we all participated in a lively Q&A session, sharing knowledge, aha moments, and how to steps; no questions were too small or too big. One distinguishing detail that makes our community a unique and extraordinary place is that we give freely to each other: information, resources, support, and feedback. Our panel of experts was informative, helpful, and magnanimous in their answers and explanations. Thank you all for participating! That’s what Homecoming is about, “Come and get your love.”

There were more hugs and shouts of joy as new faces joined in when we regrouped for dinner and the next day for the awards luncheon. I won’t drag this post out with a play by play but I thoroughly enjoyed hearing everyone introduce themselves before the luncheon and share something most people in the room would not know about themselves. The view, food, sunshiny patio and company were all spectacular!  The tears flowed of course as Anastacia presented the awards with deeply touching words about each recipient. Huge congratulations to all of our deserving award winners—I was honored to be nominated with so many esteemed VAs. When Rachael’s dad asked to say a few words of gratitude and how proud he was of his daughter there was not a dry eye in the room. That’s what Homecoming is about, “Come and get your love.”

Cameras snapped to capture the moments, video rolled and then the totally cool photo shoot that Rach’s dad set up took off wildly with priceless shots like these:

That’s what Homecoming is about, “Come and get your love.”

Unexpectedly, I received numerous compliments on my blog and writing from these dear friends and readers which touched me deeply. Taking the time to write a comment is a huge compliment for a blogger, but mentioning how much you enjoy reading a blogger’s post when you see them in person is a deeply gracious and inspiring act—thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will absolutely keep writing! That’s what Homecoming is about, “Come and get your love.”

So, what is Homecoming about? Connecting. Learning, Experiencing. Loving. For me these people, these kindred souls, are my virtual family and so Homecoming is a deep quiet pool in my soul where I replenish and nourish myself and give as much as I receive. It’s about coming home.

If you were there—take a moment to relive your favorite memory from Homecoming while you get up and boogie to Real McCoy’s version of, “Come and Get Your Love”! If you weren’t able to join us this year get up and boogie while you brainstorm what it will take for you to be there with us next September for Homecoming in Minneapolis, we absolutely want you to, “Come and get your love!"

Back to the basics

There’s a wise saying that goes something like, you teach what you most need to learn. In this instance I wasn’t teaching but sharing a practice my friend and I learned almost twenty-five years ago: happiness is a choice. My friend was stuck in a negative loop with her family wanting them to be happy but choosing to be unhappy because they were.  We sat together for several hours and reminded ourselves of the basics of what we knew but had forgotten to practice:

Be the change you want to see.
If you want happiness in your life be happy.

Be happy first.
Not once you get something or somewhere—circumstances and others do not create happiness—we choose to be happy.

Don’t take another’s unhappiness or judgments personally.
It’s not all about YOU. Let the unhappy person own their own unhappiness don’t accept responsibility for it.

Happiness is empowering and clarifying.
You can see exactly where you want to go and what actions will take you there.

Happiness works with the law of attraction
The energy you expend is what will be reflected back to you—positive or negative it’s your choice.

Change your thoughts, change your life
That statement may seem Pollyannaish but in my experience it is absolute truth. When I change the way I look at things, the things I look at change (Wayne Dyer).

My friend doubted she could choose happiness in the maelstrom of unhappiness she was engulfed in.  As she shared her fears I was reminded that it’s our humanness to cling to our beliefs: it’s hard to be happy, or to blame someone else, or to react instead of respond. As humans we get invested in being right instead of loving. Choosing happiness is choosing love—for yourself and everyone else involved.  Ghandi’s wise words could not be more empowering: Be the change you want to see.

A note to my deeply loved friend: you are the happiest person I know, the way you live your life inspires me to live my best life, thank you for your trust, thank you for re-minding me of the basics, I needed to hear these wise words again and re-live the lesson I lived over and over with mom and am still living—give up being right and be loving. Many wise souls have summed up their wisdom in a few basic words: Love is the answer. Love is the key.  Love in action. The greatest of these is love.  You always remind me that love always wins so I’ll re-mind you— love always wins. All ways.

You look great!

By LexnGer

What do you DO with a compliment? Yes, I realize now a response or action is required to complete the exchange. Have you considered that if you don’t DO anything with a compliment you’re rejecting a gift? I wondered that exact thought last week when two people paid me specific compliments and after I thanked the person I habitually brushed the compliment aside with a negative thought. I didn’t accept it, celebrate it, revel in it, or demonstrate it in any way. That would be selfish, right?

Yup, the old me definitely thought that. The ‘me’ who was overweight, unhappy, and inauthentic. That old me inside reared her unwanted head to blow off both compliments because it’s not okay to think too much of yourself or puff yourself up with importance. And that’s not what I wanted at all. I wanted to feel how good it felt to be complimented to bask in that glow and let it revitalize my batteries for a while. So what’s stopping me from basking but me? Aha. What others might think of me. But yanno I laid that burden down and it’s too darn heavy to pick up again.
 
#1: A Weight Watchers member read my name tag and my weight loss and said, “You’re so thin, you look great. I want to look just like you!”  I stuffed a sock in ‘old me’ and thanked the member authentically. I told her that it had been hard work to get here and it ‘takes a village’ and I was honored to inspire her and if there was ever anything I could do I really wanted to help her get to her ‘great’, too.

#2: My young, sweet, and amazingly fit coach at CrossFit always tells us what a great job we’ve done and how proud she is of us, and she said to me as Brin and I were leaving after a particularly tough session, “Laura, you’re my hero.” And I laughed and thanked her but gave that compliment a lot of thought.

She’s the one who’s fit and met her goals and yet I inspire her? Wow. I do? How empowering. And I get it. Because even though it’s hard for me I persevere. I’m committed to myself and I’m committed to my bootcamp buddies. Thank you Lindsay for opening my eyes to see that inspiration isn’t one-directional—it flows both ways. You inspire with your passion for what you do and the people you train which makes you wise beyond your years.

What do you DO with a compliment dear reader? My wish for you is to embrace a compliment with open arms, maybe even the person offering it. ;) Accept the gift.  Don’t hesitate to celebrate you and your accomplishment. Revel baby, revel.

Lovin' feelin' loved

My dear friend Antonette called me the glue that stuck everyone together last week in Maryland when we met to celebrate the lovely Lee's birthday, earlier in the week, and mine which would be in a few days. I kinda like being thought of as gooey-pasty-sticky-stuff between friends; as odd as that might sound. 

The gift of the gathering was plenty of gift for me but the way that my friends celebrated me with representations of their love with things that I adore: books, journal, notepads, movie gift certificates (and later a book gift certificate from a friend not at this special dinner)? Oh, they may as well have given me the moon!

Is it possible to be overwhelmed (in a good way) by gottenness? Is that even a word (Dawn)?  The women (and men, Dom!) that were present at this celebration and in my life today celebrated the real me—my authentic loving unique self, and I was swept away. This buyount cloud carried me through my b'day when the next outpouring of love, shared on my Facebook wall, engulfed me...being loved and celebrated out loud is a big deal. And I want each of you to know I recognize that and love you immensely for loving me the way you do. And in the over-Karaoked-lyrics of REO Speedwagon: "I'm gonna keep on lovin' you cuz it's the only thing I wanna do..."

All my love my friends, ~your gooey-pasty-sticky-laura-laura.

 

Presenting the flag

To say that Jeff’s dad lived a full life simply doesn’t capture the scope of the things he did in his life. As a young man of seventeen Ernest Julian Allen traveled the world in the United States Navy and became Senior Chief Mess Specialist, served in three wars, and retired in the late 60’s. He went on to a career managing convenience stores in Jacksonville, FL— advanced to becoming a territory auditor for Southland Corporation and then a regional supervisor and took an early retirement. He became a fishing guide for a decade on the backwaters of the Withlacoochee River. His final career was the Florida Department of Corrections as a head cook including instructing the inmates how to cook. He’d tell stories about how dicey it felt to hand a convicted felon a sharp knife in the institutional kitchen, but he was offering them so much more—a possible way out of the system. He was married four times and has nine children, fifteen grandchildren, five great grandchildren, and three great-great grandchildren. Did I mention he lived a full life?

Daddy Allen loved an adventure and a challenge—worked hard and played hard. Depending on which side of the discussion you were on with him he was opinionated or loyal; stubborn or decisive; had a vision that worked as a horse’s blinders or was remarkably focused. As a daughter-in-love I was embraced by Daddy Allen the same as one of his own daughters and although I found this large rambunctious, noisy, sometimes incomprehensible family overwhelming when I first joined them, Daddy was always a calm in the storm—that is unless he was causing the storm! He was grounded in who he was and where he stood in the world. He and Jeff’s Stepmom loved our daughter fiercely and that made him shine in a new mother’s eyes.

When I met Jeff I thought it unusual that he referred to his Dad as ‘Daddy’ as I had stopped using that endearment for my father in my early adolescence. With Daddy Allen it was more than an endearment; it’s who he was. A family man through and through he helped his family weather the storms of divorce and joint custody of his brood and provided for them and loved them deeply even if he wasn’t a demonstrative man. I could listen to his stories for hours and he loved to laugh and invite others to laugh with him, he wasn’t always positive about the world but he was positive about his relationship to it. A beer and a good fishing story or trip would solve just about anyone’s worries.

His wishes upon his death were to have his ashes buried in the family cemetery in Brooksville, FL next to his beloved Lois. We gathered last Saturday at McGeachy Cemetery and I was moved by the simple ceremony performed by two Navy servicepersons. They unfolded a large US flag and snapped it free to present the colors and then folded it precisely to be presented to Daddy’s widow and ultimately one of his middle sons. Before the flag was presented the heart rending notes of Taps pierced the quiet morning and there was not a dry eye in the gathering. Daddy would have been deeply honored.

 

Family face-to-face

My trip to Canada was timed for my aunt's eighty-second birthday so I could be there to celebrate her along with some of our family. My Auntie Betty died in October last year, she was the youngest sister, my mom was the middle sis. Auntie Margaret is the eldest and feels survivors guilt for out living both her sisters. I did my best to help her let go of this feeling and focus on the love they shared. She is healthy and quite sharp for her age and still mobile and walks her little Yorkie daily. She was moving into a suite at an upscale assited living facility so she'd no longer have the upkeep of her house. Smart decision. She has a gentleman friend moving there as well, I think the company and activities will be stimulating and engaging—and comforting to know a nurse is only a call away if needed.

My aunt and I talked for hours I didn't miss a moment to ask for childhood stories and for her to tell me about her life. Margaret was married for almost fifty years she and Uncle Jack never had children but she has nieces and nephews from mom and Betty. I remembered my aunt telling me stories when I would visit about a mouse family that simply fascinated me. I asked Betty about the stories once and she smiled and said that wasn't me that was Margaret! Really I insisited, are you sure? Yes, she made them up and told them to all the kids at one time or another; weren't they great!?  This trip I made sure to tell Margaret how dearly I loved those stories and how she helped instill the seed of storytelling in me when I was ripe and ready.

Being with her since both Betty and mom have left us made our time especially dear to me. And so often I would see a mannerism that was mom's or a laugh or expression that was Betty's and it was a comfort to see how we live on in our family. At my cousin's house we all told as many Betty and Dorothy stories as we could recall and shared ones others hadn't heard and got a kick out of. This was a healing, rejuvenating, memory making time for me and I am so thankful I gave myself this gift and listened to my wise self when she said, I think I'd like to visit Aunt Margaret for her birhtday this year.

She sent me home with these treasures, here's my lovely aunt on her wedding day:

 

 

 

Margaret with bridesmaids: that's my mom on the left!

 

The Clarke girls with their mum apx 1943:

Tallest is Margaret, mom is middle, Betty on right in front of their mum.