Dancing about architecture

So yesterday the care-taking role had me throwing up my hands and asking the heavens, “What was I thinking!?” My mother and I have been coming from different perspectives since I could talk. My baby book lists my first words as, “Don’t worry Mommy” and “Sandy don’t!” (My sister Sandy was 11 when I was born; mom had loads to worry about!).

What wild and crazy brain fart made me think we’d be on the same page now?

Ha!

We’re not.

Not even in the same book.

I took every complaint personally and felt unappreciated and retaliated by making her wrong. About everything.

When I journaled this morning I said I was not repeating yesterday. The same thoughts that got me here are not going to get me outta here. Although I am learning how to laugh at the impossible questions, “How does poop get there!?”, and the pointless ones, “You want to put peanut butter on what!?”

I focused on looking at ‘what is’ instead of my interpretation of what happened. No spin. Okay here’s what is: mom’s unhappy, negative, and blaming. Hmmmm. Okay got it. Mom’s unhappy, negative, and blaming. That’s okay. Now what?

Let me look at myself: I’m unhappy, negative, and blaming. Hmmmm. That’s interesting.

I’m blaming her for not taking responsibility and owning her unhappiness and choosing to be happy. Ha! Now that’s the pot calling the kettle black!

This is known as a ‘racket’ in Landmark Education terminology. It describes a fixed way of being, in this instance: closed, judgmental, being right. With a persistent complaint: “Why can’t you take responsibility for your own happiness—what’s wrong with you!?” I made her wrong. Big time. I got to be right, that’s my payoff. Ouch. As I wrote this out I was blindsided by the epiphany I do this with Brin, my daughter, too. I ‘fix’ her problems and then complain that she’s not responsible, is too negative and unhappy. I get to make her wrong and be right. It's not pretty but it's real and I'm owning it.

Next I did the tough looking: what’s this cost me and my loved ones? Ultimately a racket is designed to avoid responsibility and the cost is love and aliveness. Because of this racket my communications are not authentic and don’t leave either of us feeling good or empowered. I’m willing to drop my racket, over and over as needed, acknowledge and apologize and say I choose to be loving over being right. I truly do.

Yup, mom’s unhappy. Yup, she’s got challenges. Yup, I’m an imperfect caregiver. Yup, our communication is sometimes like dancing about architecture. Yup, love her anyway. Help her put peanut butter on...whatever. Love her exactly where she is as she is. Be happy. Be expectationless. Be loving. My friend Kathy reminds me: love wins. Love always wins.

Comments

[Jon]

That's food for thought - four courses of it and probably something on the way home as well! Thank you, Laura! :D

[Franni]

You so hit the nail on the head! Way back when, I don't think any of us every pictured ourselves being caregivers! Selfishly, there are just times when my self-talk is "I just want my life back." It's not easy...but then I soon find myself thinking, "I wouldn't trade this time with my parents for anything."

Thanks for being so open and honest about what's going on for you.

[Cathy]

Hi Laura,

What a great post!

Your next to last line has me thinking... My daughter, Nikki, is a new mom (Saniya is now 1 and half) and for the last year I've been pondering how drastically relationships between parent and child can change (especially between mother and daughter) When they are babies it's all hugs and kisses. At adulthood, more often than not, the relationship is totally reversed.

IMO, things change so drastically because of EXPECTATIONS. When they are babies you don't expect anything from them. As they grow older you expect them to pee in the potty, say please, say thank you, not to hit... get great grades, come home by curfew, go to college... be SUPERMOM (even though you weren't), etc.

I guess what I would love to know is how to 'Be expectationless' and is this really possible? Since this is my new ah-ha moment, I will certainly try.

[Laura Allen]

Thanks Jon, the truth may sometimes be hard to swallow but it definitely refreshes the palate and leaves you ready for some tasty authenticity!

[Laura Allen]

Hey my Cuti Patooti! Thanks for reading and taking the time out of your busy day to comment, I really appreciate you.

I'm still struggling with my humanity daily and feel you totally when you say "I just want my life back..." and then I pause and realize this truly is the life I CHOSE, imagine that!

Long warm Christmas vug for you my friend. ;)

[Laura Allen]

Hey Cathy,

What a great comment, thank you so much! I adore having new readers and hearing their perspectives and experiences. Congrats on being a new Gramma!!

One of the most surprising and delightful experiences with my twenty something daughter has been having an adult relationship with her. She'll always be my little girl but I also see who she is for other people and it's beautiful.

My Landmark friend Marla reminded me to share with you that when we let go of our 'stories' about our loved ones and see them as they ARE and not how we think they are (or should be)then we find we are being expectationless. We weave the expectations into our stories about them. No story no expectation.

Cathy I love this question and your commitment to your new a-ha moment. Happy Christmas vugs for you!